Poems

Hmmm....How can I put that into words?????

Writing a poem was more

therapeutic for me than

almost anything else.

Hello, welcome to my poem page.

Cedar Grove

Worthless Mode

More and more
of what's inside
I'm letting out
instead of hide

Anxiety reduced
with mere expression
of the mixed up messages
that thrive on repression

Childhood scrapbook
untouched and unchanged
clutched so tightly
keeps me estranged

Patiently waiting
I'm fading away
mentally exhausted
from emotional disarray

It's not that I haven't
changed quite a bit
but what good is change
when you feel like a misfit

Living life
on screen
live and uncut
scene after scene

Smiling face
bloodshot eyes
the smile fades away
as I stabalize

The reality I face each day
is mine and mine alone
I'd like to learn to own it
I've reaped what I have sown

Feelings come and feelings go
imprisoned by their presence
driven by the desire
to reach spiritual quintessence

Longing to be free
of this deep inner shame
afraid of judgement day
when God calls my name

Controlled by inner mix-up
objectivity is lost
how do I get unstuck
what is the cost

Discounting my experience
of daily life once more
doubting its validity
and too loud to ignore

Frozen in a state
of low self-esteem
meaninglessness surrounds me

mattering's but a dream

Driven by the need
for rest and satisfaction
can't seem to change the course

of this monumental abstraction

If I were to let go
where would I land
teach me to surrender
'cause I do not understand

What am I afraid of
love and affection
calm cool and collected
I wear for protection

Feeling the stuff
for which we were designed
is scarier than hell
but always on my mind

It's been so long
since I've felt a part
of anything meaningful
with my searching heart

I like poems

I wrote the poem just below only one week after the one above. A believer has the eternal God as their resource, and He truly resides within.

God's narrow road is infinitely better

than the world's highway to nowhere.

NO SINGLE SOLUTION

Today I'm the best
that I can be
tomorrow doesn't come
with any guarantee

Having this void
does not make me bad
it's just a thing
I've always had

I'm fully human
and fully okay
you can't fill a void
in a single day

It's not a flaw
it's not a phase
it's just the norm
nowadays

I don't think I'll worry
whether I can make the grade

I've thrown in the towel
and melted the barricade

The enlightenment inside
comes at just the right time
it softens the compulsions
and eases the climb

My deep inside security
doesn't come from without
it doesn't depend on others
it's internal throughout

You can't make me happy
it's a game people play
it's my responsibility
and can't be given away

My thought life is a jungle
the weeds look like a slum
I'm glad I have a Gardener
who has a green thumb

Mentally obsessing
detailing to a tee

perfection seemed obtainable
I was everything but free

Doing it all the right way
can be a lonely road indeed
it misses by a long shot
and doesn't meet your need

Spirit and soul
each a separate entity
they must be divided
to live in harmony

I can be me
and you can be you
it'a okay to have a different
point of view

You are enough
I guarantee
trust yourself
and you will see

The search is still on
for life is one big hunt
it's a social adventure
when you don't put on a front

There's no single solution
to the complexities we face
when you're friends with yourself
you're never out of place

Spiritual Drought

STRAIGHTJACKET

Self-destruction
on the run
what are the pay-offs
have they begun

Feeling good seems healthy
but could you please define it
it's not in my background
it's a new assignment

Maybe it's not time yet
there's more to go through
to prepare me for the eventual
"good feelings" debut

Coming out of denial
and feeling the stuff
that I've hidden for so long
is very very rough

Illusions all around me
reality hits hard
facing it begins with
lowering my guard

The tapes from the past
that play in my head
leave me grief-stricken and empty
so much remains unsaid

The pain of disappointment
expections unmet
I need to befriend my past
and cancel the debt

I'm tired of running
where am I going
tired of feeling
like I'm always owing

Guarded image
must be shed
to let more in my heart
of what's in my head

Fine line living
identity unknown
acting class dismissed
you're on your own

Ficticious image
reflected in the mirror
idealistic figment
grounded in fear

Patty doll
new and improved
how many remakes
until I get approved

Ali ali in free
I'm listening for
the game is over
and He never kept score

Silenced Heart

How can I explain to you
the depth of my empty soul
how can I make you understand
that I have lost control

Expression blocked
a costly defense
lowering my guard
seems a greater expense

Hopelessly insulated
with layers of fear
stubborn refusal
to let you near

Reluctant to discuss it
as it's been a long time
since I became aware
of this insidious crime

Sending mixed signals
come close but don't touch
help me but keep me
from reality's clutch

While uncovering the past
emptiness pervades
nothing makes a difference
as the pain slowly fades

I'm afraid reality's slipping
out of my hands
it no longer reacts
to my desperate demands

I just want out
of solitary confinement
teacher please give me
a new assignment

If I let you in
what will you do
are you going
to hurt me too

My pin cushion heart
won't stop bleeding
too many pinpricks
and it still keeps beating

Why does it seem
as if things were to change
that life would be better
and somehow less strange

The "God" in my head
won't leave me alone
He hauntingly threatens
to make me known

What would happen
if I were exposed
it's not my fault
life's directions weren't enclosed

I didn't ask to be here
so why do you insist
to strip me of my freedom
to be an individualist

Silenced heart
ready to explode
can't get out
of the victim mode

I'm searching for myself
somewhere in space
lost in my search
baffled by grace

EXPRESS YOURSELF!

Never stop writing if something is there

There was a time when crying was something I could not do very easily. This poem was written at that time. My counselor asked me if she could use it with some of her other clients. I said, "sure". She called me one day a few years after I stopped seeing her and told me that my poem about crying had touched someone to the point of crying for the first time in a very long time. I thought that was very cool!

Will it trickle or flood? It's a random prediction.

If I Should Cry

A repertoire of images
who am I today
desperate for approval
changing masks all day

Musical chairs with
seat belts complete
I can't get loosened
from the victim seat

Cautiously observing
what passes through
the gates of exposure
onto "Naked Avenue"

Holding back
can't fall apart
an impromptu exhibition
would vandalize my heart

Behind the dam
sustsained by fears
lie a white water rapid
of essential tears

What if I open
a valve in the wall
of the dam that blocks
the waterfall

Will it trickle or flood
it's a random prediction
the torrent within
requires eviction

Risky business
the stakes are high
you'd be one-up
if I should cry

We're not so different after all.

They Didn't Know My Name

They called me Patty Fatty
they called me two by four
they called me two ton tessy they said I couldn't get though the door

They moved out of the way
when I walked down the hall
they acted as if
I was wall to wall

They pricked me with a pin
to see if I would burst
they thought I would deflate I thought I was cursed

To them I was different
a handler of pain
they got off on inflicting it
no matter how inane

Insulated body
craving within
an ordinary encounter
like it is when you're thin

Affectionately empty
compassionately dry
withdrawls like clockwork
never to satisy

I just couldn't cut it
as your beloved friend
not when I saw you
as having to consescend

Little did I realize
how severely I repelled
those who tried to care
for the person I withheld

The almighty addiction
had me in its power
every morsel of food
was mine to devour

Nothing mattered more
it was obvious to all
than getting my fix
as all would appall

They only saw my covering
they stopped short
they condemned me for being bigger
my heart to contort

They didn't know
we were so much the same
they didn't know
my name

I want you to know something
you never knew
my name is Patty
and I'm just like you

The choice is clear!

Alternatives

I want to drink
it sets me free
it kindly keeps
me company

Doleful portrayal
of a desperate child
craving affirmation
feeling exiled

I had fun I think
I don't recall
I guess I consumed
too much alcohol

Feelin' fine
feelin' no pain
feelin' like a fool
standin' in the rain

Inhibitions unleashed
pretentious display
I'll stop tomorrow
but not today

Preying on my weakness
toward sensual escapade
obscurely sabotaging
the progress I have made

It can last
I erroneously believed
but all along
I've been deceived

Courage in a bottle
a pseudo self unbound
the experience of my inner life
has been tearfully profound

All that I am
feels painfully choked
my humanity license
has been revoked

Lost in a labyrinth
of cerebral activity
inebriate my brain cells
bring them into captivity

Inward focus
too extreme
dilute the intensity
quiet the scream

Faced with the dilemna
that comes across the way
the everlasting question
will I drink today

Masks

MASKS

Every cell I've lived in

was neatly decorated

the walls were plastic coated

so I remained isolated

They looked real nice to visitors

who on occasion happened by

but they never saw the unmade bed

upon which I would cry

I presented my cells immaculate

one could sense my devotion

there was no room for mistakes

no purpose for emotion

The cells felt so secure

the comfort of home

they'd unlock my door

I dared not roam

I couldn't leave the safety

I had grown to think was there

I had mastered all the versions

of playing solitaire

Across the way was a window

It let the sunshine in

I just stood and watched

It was a place to begin

I looked at what the sunbeams saw

while the sun was out one day

it revealed my cell as it really was

in utter disarray

Panic set in

yes I knew

my tidy little cell

would no longer do

I called the guard

I requested parole

I wanted out

I feared for my soul

He returned the next morning

and opened the door

he said I had been released

in nineteen eighty-four

MY HALLWAY

Corral my thoughts

they're on the loose

inexpressible layers

so abstruse

This negative polarity

creates in me

a growing ambivalence

about simplicity

You say that I matter

you've got to be kidding

encumbered within

I'm not used to winning

Amid the freedom

lie still concealed fears

compounded daily

over the years

Emotions I'm unsure of

trying to escape

pulled out by the roots

upsetting the landscape

You can't love me

I've hidden too well

I've erected an invincible

citadel

I'm tired of fighting

this war inside

I want to be

disqualified

LIFE IS GOOD

Green plants hanging in my house
Demanding my attention
My time, my life
They have control over me
But not anymore
Crispy brown leaves on this one
Wilted yellow leaves on that one
I'm no longer trying to achieve the impossible
A new look
Dead plants hanging in my house
To remind me of who's in charge